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Happy food

Through the annoyance of direct mail marketing, I am in receipt of an ad that says because grocery market’s animals are not given hormones and other nasty nostrums, they are happier and healthier. Hence they taste better. Or happy chickens are just finger-licking….

What it does not say, however, that because animals will be led to slaughter, they are not necessarily happier and healthier. They are, in fact, melancholy, burdened by Sartre, Camus and Groucho, a Marxist existential angst. Pigs are particularly distressed. One authority — a Mr. Orwell — notes that because pigs constitute the farm’s leadership, they protest the fact that they are cut down in the prime of life, pursuing a utopian life in which economic benefits are shared collectively. They say they seek peaceful means to achieve this end, but revolution and the seizure of the means of production might be necessary if the powers that be are unreasonable.

The swine also contend that by being denied hormones, growth promoters and antibiotics, animals being denied collective wellness and therefore the profits of their labor. Instead, these go to capitalist running dogs who hog those profits and wallow in lavish, imperialist life-styles at the expense of plow-horses and the like. They also contend that being denied hormones means their youth is being collectively shortened.

Moreover, according to such experts as Mr. Freud and even his rival, Mr. Jung, the lack of hormones and other drugs do not necessarily promote  happiness. In fact, a well-considered plan of wellness therapy not only includes hormones and antibiotics but also mood-altering drugs such as Prozac, THC and librium. This, combined with twice-a-week analysis by a qualified professional will, one the whole, result in exceptional results, meaning cheerful animals that have achieved great happiness and are, above all, mellow, not to mention tender of heart as well as flesh.

There may be some side effects such as drug addiction, blindness, apathy, prolonged coma, dementia, diabetes, mad-cow disease,  four-hour erections, headaches, hoof-in-mouth and excessive attachment to bath tubs. In such cases, animals should consult a free-range doctor immediately.


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